Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I just have to say this....

I'm not exactly sure where to start. It was a rough morning, to say the least! I won't get into details, because most of you won't understand it anyways. Bottom line is, fighting my inherited, demons, was a struggle this morning. I cried most of the morning. It made me wonder if I was a good mother. I usually, for the most part, KNOW that I'm a good mother. I always give my kids what they need and want. Some may even call my kids spoiled. Which I don't really care. My goal in life is to give my kids, what I didn't have. Sometimes, I do go over board and try to do more, even when its exhausting. But I honestly feel, as a mother, that's what you should do. I don't want to just be like "Eh, I'll just do this little bit and that's enough" or act like I don't have time, when I could MAKE time. I hate that I've been told, that I'm doing too much! You don't see me, point out, how little YOU (general) do. Also, I don't act like any other wife, either. I'm not all mushy over my husband. I don't walk around, acting like everything is perfect. I don't NEED to spend every moment with my husband. Most of the time, I'm venting about how irritated I am with him. So, in turn, people think I'm not "loving" enough or that I'm "mean", "bitchy"..whatever. And you know what...I hate that! I love my husband to death!! He doesn't need for me to be attached to his hip or be there with him, every single minute, to cater to him. He doesn't mind that I go out with the girls, every once in a while. My husband is content with a bowl of cereal and watching his sports. And I LOVE that about him. It just seems to me, that everyone, always has an opinion. I'm either doing too much, not enough, I'm mean or I don't want to be around my husband...it's always something! The worst part about it, is that I actually let it get to me and then I question myself. So when I have a morning, like today, I think "What is wrong with me??". Then I feel so guilty and disappointed in myself. I know that, as a mother, you will always feel like you are not enough. That's just the way it is. But too feel what I feel, is NOT OK. And I want to put a stop to it. I just figured out, how to describe me and how I feel. Also, to make it clear to everyone, once and for all! My favorite movie is "Riding in cars with boys" and there is a scene, where the character Fay is talking to her best friend Beverly. Beverly isn't sure of her feelings toward her son, because she isn't acting like she thinks, she "should". Fay explains it to her, like this "you really do love him. I think sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt, how much we really loved them, it would kill us! That doesn't make you a bad person. That just means, your hearts too big". I love that scene! Sorry, if I'm ranting but it really feels good to get that off my chest. So people, don't assume you know someones life or assume you know how they feel. Its not nice and you're an ass for doing so. LOL! For the record, I just completed my family, with an adorable baby boy. I have two beautiful daughters. A patient, understanding husband. I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay home and take care of my home and kids. Things aren't "perfect" but they're damn near close!


Amaris said...

Bravo, sister! Bravo!
There’s a big difference between ‘loving’ and ‘needy’ … If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a needy man! And to be honest, if I saw that even my own son was needy (as a man, not now of course)…I’d slap the crap out of him & tell him to grow a pair!

And about the kids…you do for them what you wish mom had done for us. There’s NOTHING wrong with that. If people talk sh*t it’s only because they don’t have the drive and the heart to do it for THEIR kids. You’re buying a sh*t load of stuff for your kids, so what?! You will NEVER be told that Tahlia hit someone. You will NEVER be told that Serina was disrespectful. Those kids are so well-behaved it’s ridiculous. They’re not perfect. And that’s why they get punished … but they have NEVER gotten to the point that I’ve seen other kids get to … kids who hit, kids who are rude to adults, kids who ruin other people’s property.

Yeah…why DO you let it get to you? You’re not the wife who’s husband is talking sh*t behind her back. I can honestly say that Oscar has no reason to ever complain about your parenting and/or domestic skills.

It just goes to show how we should never judge people solely on what we see (or THINK we see, for that matter) because you never know someone else’s story and their journey.

If people think that you’re not loving, then they ought to know that your husband & kids are not the only people you take care of. We’ve taken on so much in regards to our brother and sister. Nobody knows that often times we’re buying groceries for a whole other family and have been buying school clothes for teenagers for the past few years! You’ve helped me out with Daniel in so many freakin ways and that generosity circulates and enabled ME to be generous to others. For example, I know people have reservations about you buying me a TV…they don’t know that I’m going to use the money I was saving for that to buy our little brother something that’s going to make him so happy. And even Oscar, who’s not related by blood, has done so much to help our family WITHOUT COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. How many wives can say that about their husbands?

Face it sister, this world is full of ‘haters’ (you know I hate that word, so if I’m saying it, it’s because I really mean it) and sadly, you’re life is one that many cannot have. So they criticize your parenting even though they’re the ones that lose their children. They criticize the kind of wife you are because they are too insecure to leave their husbands side.

And you know what, I like that you’re not afraid to say “THIS SUCKS!” … because I know that at the end of the day, you are more than content with your life.

I’m glad you vented like this because I know that you’ve been criticized a lot for simply doing the most you can for your family. We hate lazy moms, LOL!! And I’m glad that you had 2 kids before I had Daniel … to set a good example of how ‘Motherhood is not for wimps’